NEVER SAY FOREVER DEPARTMENT
Now piling up at a reactor near you: Mountains of highly radioactive waste left over from a silly scheme to make electricity without burning fuel. Rad waste: It's hot. It glows in the dark. It'll be radioactive long after the sun blows itself up, and (surprise!) nobody wants it in their backyards.

If Arnold Schwarzenegger could make a buck off his homely face, we figure we can also cash in on this ugly stuff with:

1. No-Sno Pavement Melter.
Ideal for senior centers and airports!

2. We Always Care Memorial Lights.
Green glow: perfect for the upscale boneyard!

3. Mutacell Batteries
Lasts long after the last coal goes up in smoke (ideal for laptops)!

4. Final Cup Instant Coffee
Designer-grown Jamaican glow-mountain beans roasted with double-refined plutonium 239 for a rich, smooth blend. Each packet makes 1,000 gallons.